“There comes a moment in every man’s life when he realises he shall never play the Dane”.
(Uncle Monty, ‘Withnail and I’)


1. Stop warming up.
Whilst medical advice would point to the beneficial effects of a quiet half hour of yoga before a round, followed by working through the bag on the range, and then twenty minutes of putting, the reality is very different. The soft draw you have just perfected on the range will be replaced by a great carving slice off the first tee, only causing you to wander off down the first tee in a worse mood than had you ‘got away with an ugly straight one’ as you usually do. By now you have mastered the ‘straight out of the car swing’ – in fact it is likely to be one of the most controlled you hit all day. Having perfectly gauged the pace of the (perfectly flat) practice green, the curling, uphill twenty-footer you have on the first green will still finish 8 feet short, and you’ll miss the one for bogey. No, warming up is a complete waste of time. Indulge instead in a full fry-up; the sort you never have time to make at home. Only this time someone else is making it for you. While you read the paper. Something else you never have time to do.

2. Don’t hit the soles of your shoes with your sand wedge after a bunker shot.

Whilst Phil Mickelson (every middle-aged golfer’s hero) can make this look nonchalantly cool, you will almost certainly hit your ankle bone, which is very, very painful indeed. You will, of course, not even flinch as the embarrassment would simply be too much, so you deal with the pain in private. (Unlike how you usually deal with pain at home, where you would have collapsed to the ground like an Argentinian footballer, writhing around as if you had just been felled by a large metal object). Funny that.

3. Stop wearing performance fabrics in any garment other than rainwear.

You do not move fast enough to sweat much, so you do not need ‘wicking material’, all but the most subtle logos will look ridiculous, and white belts should be outlawed on anyone over the age of thirty. If it is cold, you need tweed or corduroy, plus a woollen jumper. You will really have embraced middle aged golf when you are comfortable playing in your usual weekend clothes; when there is no discernible difference between the clothes you wear to the pub, to walk the dog, to do the gardening, or to play golf in. Think how cool Vijay or Freddie Couples looked, strolling around Augusta in their deck shoes…bad backs? Nonsense, middle-age style.

4. Do not fist pump upon holing a putt.

You make significant business decisions every day at work, and at home you are responsible for the financial and emotional wellbeing of your wife and children. Golf is only a game. It may be a tricky four footer, but it is only a putt. You never fist pump when you successfully vacuum the living room, so keep your emotions in check please. There is only one exception: the hole in one. Should you be fortunate enough to have an elusive ‘ace’, you have absolute licence to go magoo. There is nothing quite like the sight of a middle-aged man regressing to the sheer silliness and childish excitement that the ‘perfect stroke’ brings about. You’ll probably never have another one, so enjoy it while you can…and if your playing companions later tell you that you looked like an idiot, just ask them if they’ve had one. Chances are they won’t have…

 

Guest Author: The Colonel

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